


the 1

by tteguri



Series: sf9 but the s is not for straight [1]
Category: SF9 (Band)
Genre: Getting Back Together, M/M, other characters are gay for each other but it’s all very subtle, sex is mentioned but no smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:01:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26271538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tteguri/pseuds/tteguri
Summary: what could go wrong? people sleep with their exes all the time
Relationships: Kang Chanhee | Chani/Kim Seokwoo | Rowoon
Series: sf9 but the s is not for straight [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1965535
Comments: 8
Kudos: 43





	1. 0.1

It was wearing his clothes that Chanhee misses the most. He still has one of his t-shirts, he couldn’t let go of it, but he misses waking up before him and freely search in his drawer something to put on, just to avoid the inevitable walk of shame, even though no one in the dorms really minded them. 

He’s just left with that old tee that doesn’t even smell like him anymore. 

He’s past the phase where he cried hugging it, or where he tucked it as far as he could from him. He’s past all that break up phases. He even had another boyfriend for a short time. 

It didn’t work because Chanhee had “too much of an attitude” and “was so cold that it felt like being with a frozen pack or something”. 

Well, the guy was boring and obsessed with his weight and couldn’t even speak up in his group of friends so Chanhee doesn’t really miss him. 

He misses Seokwoo. 

He hates him sometimes, because he misses him so much. 

Seokwoo isn’t affected like him. He speaks to him like nothing happened and sometimes Chanhee wants to punch him in the face for that but they usually talk only on broadcasts and that may cause problems so he doesn’t. 

He still misses him. 

He knows why they aren’t together - their careers bla bla bla - still, it doesn’t help. 

It doesn’t help knowing that Seokwoo probably never loved him, since he never said those words - neither had Chanhee but Chanhee isn’t really good at showing affection and well, the most of their relationship was making out in some changing room or in the shower - and surely doesn’t now. 

He still misses him. 

Seokwoo’s sleeping on another dorm, so they are even more apart. 

Chanhee fantasised a lot about sneaking in and steal one of his tee, one of the ones he wore often, so it smells like him, and bring it to his room. 

He can’t have Seokwoo because Seokwoo is an idiot and clearly doesn’t appreciates him enough but he will still have something that smells like him. 

Maybe it will help with the missing thing. 

It’s not like Chanhee is sad, like he said, he is over him. It’s just like how he misses vacations or summer or being able to sleep until noon. He can live without him for sure, still he misses him. And that’s bugging him a lot. 

Today is unbearable. 

Maybe it’s because they just ended a group schedule and Seokwoo ignored him like usual and spent all of his time bugging Youngkyun that was clearly busy on his dating app and didn’t give a fuck about anything else than getting laid. 

Maybe it’s because Youngbin and Jaeyoon are watching tv all curled up into each other on the couch looking like a married couple - and that’s ridiculous because they literally are a married couple even if Youngbin has a girlfriend and he’s planning to propose but still he looks more married to Jaeyoon than to her - and Youngkyun is annoying Taeyang because his attempt to get a girl to sleep with failed miserably. 

And Chanhee’s alone.

Listening to his friend’s complains about how he was “so close” made Chanhee miss Seokwoo even more. 

Staying at his place meant also never hearing Youngkyun complaining about his non existent sex life and it was a bonus. 

So he decides to go. 

Seokwoo isn’t there of course and Chanhee knows. He isn’t in the mood for another awkward silence with him. 

Seokwoo is out filming his drama - a stupid het romance thing that makes Chanhee want to die since he hates romcoms - and that means he can go to his room and steal his shirt. 

He has to pass Sanghyuk since he likes to be nosy and to know everyone’s business but he can easily make up a lie. Or maybe Sanghyuk has someone in his room which will definitely be the best option. Inseong will be surely pissed and throwing things in the kitchen while making tea for himself but he can deal with that. 

They just don’t know why Inseong is always pissed when Sanghyuk brings someone, like they don’t all do that except Seokwoo because the fucker pretends to be pure (he surely wasn’t when he was with Chanhee but he probably goes around telling everyone he’s a virgin) and Youngkyun and Taeyang but because they are totally incapable to have a normal approach to the opposite sex. Well, Taeyang brought a girl once but she left very angry so it probably didn’t go well. 

So Chanhee goes. 

He has a spare, of course, so he gets in without even knocking. 

A terrible noise comes from the kitchen so Sanghyuk is getting laid and Inseong is having a nervous breakdown like usual. 

He walks swiftly past that, straight to Seokwoo’s room. 

It’s dark and Chanhee knows it so well he can’t bother to turn the light on, he almost makes to his drawer when the light go up and he hears a voice.

“Chanhee? What the fuck?” 

He almost has an heart attack since Seokwoo is on the bed, laying down and looking at him with a very concerned frown. 

Seokwoo usually shows himself to everyone like a perfect, sweet, loving person. He is, in a certain way, he’s very caring. But he isn’t perfect, he swears a lot - with Chanhee only but it started when they first fought - and he isn’t so kind when he’s pissed, like he is now. 

“I ... I think I left a shirt here. Sorry. I needed that.” lies Chanhee. 

“Jesus. You could’ve texted me I’d had my manager leaving it at your place tomorrow. Fuck you. I was almost asleep.” replies Seokwoo. 

“Well, sorry. Weren’t you supposed to shoot now?” asks Chanhee, even if he wasn’t sorry. 

“Injured back. I have to rest for weeks. And it hurts like hell, fuck my life. On top of that Sanghyuk brought that girl and she screamed for like an hour I wanted to die or to suffocate the both of them, like, hello? people live here just because managers are out it doesn’t mean this isn’t a house anymore but a fucking brothel! Shut the hell up!” vents Seokwoo. 

Chanhee is extremely pleased by his discomfort and pain. 

“Hope it hurts a lot, fucker.” he says, giving him his best angelic smile. 

Well, Seokwoo broke up with him and left him alone crying on the floor hugging his tee so he descend at least a bit of pain. Maybe a lot. 

“Die. What are you really doing here? I am not an idiot I know you never left something yours here and even if you did I clean the place so I’d know.” he asks, sitting on the bed. 

“Well maybe I was wrong. Goodnight. Hope Sanghyuk and the girl will go for round two” says Chanhee, hurrying back to the door. 

“I missed having you here.” says Seokwoo and Chanhee frozes. 

“It’s not a funny joke and you told me to die minutes ago. Bye.” 

“For real. I miss you. Screw our careers. I was an idiot. Giving up on you for playing the het on a show.” 

It was the only intelligent thing Seokwoo said in 2020 probably but still, Chanhee isn’t gonna believe him easily. 

Seokwoo has his cunning way to get what he wants. 

“It’s “screw out careers” or “please screw me since I can’t go around and screw people since it will ruin my perfect boy image”?” asks Chanhee. 

“Both?” lies Seokwoo, because Chanhee knows him and knows he’s too attached to all he accomplished acting and being an idol to give it up that easily. 

“You just want to get laid.” 

He still kisses him though. He walks to the bed and kisses Seokwoo on the lips. Because he misses him for real and also it won’t hurt to get some decent sex. His ex was a lot of things, boring first, but not that good in bed or maybe just Chanhee wasn’t particularly into it or him. 

“Just this time. It won’t happen again. And it’s just sex, it doesn’t mean anything.” he says, before kissing him again. 

Seokwoo doesn’t reply but Chanhee is firm on his decision. 

Well, what could go wrong? People sleep with their exes all the time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i was bored and i miss rochan


	2. 0.2

When Chanhee wakes ups he immediately regrets everything, and by everything he doesn’t mean just sleeping with Seokwoo, he means every single action and decision he made in life that led him to this bed, with his naked ex boyfriend asleep in his arms. 

Seokwoo, despite being like 10ft tall, is the little spoon. Chanhee was used to him being clingy and wanting to be hugged before sleeping, but he actually forgot how annoying it was trying to get out of his embrace. 

He tries his best to not wake him up, since he doesn’t want to deal to any conversation and just wants to forget everything that happened since it was all a big, dumb and idiotic mistake.

Well, the sex was good, Chanhee doesn’t regret finally getting laid with someone who is actually decent. Like, his ex boyfriend was terrible, he just laid down waiting for him to do something or worse, he complained about Chanhee being “rude” and “cold”. 

Seokwoo was a definite upgrade. He didn’t complain and praised Chanhee a lot - and Chanhee likes being praised - and actually did something instead of being as still as a fucking corpse. 

Actually, it was the best sex Chanhee got in a while - he had only two boyfriends but he had his fair share of one night stands - so it isn’t that part he‘s regretting. It’s the Seokwoo part he regrets. 

Because well, Seokwoo was Seokwoo. He may fake is in humane kindness around people but he is kind, indeed, just like, a normal level of kind. And he’s gentle but passionate and Chanhee shivers remembering their kisses. 

Well, nope. 

No shivering, no expectations, no more Seokwoo. He may be gentle and kind and good in bed but he’s still the fucker who wanted to break up with him. So no, thank you, no more remembering what happened, no more indulging on the memory of their kisses or his words, his “Chanhee” whispered in his ears. 

Because if Chanhee remembers too much, he feels like he’s becoming a ghost. He once felt like one, when he couldn’t let go of him, when they first broke up. It was like watching the world moving, a world where he was no longer needed, while he was there, still holding onto something he won’t come back. And he doesn’t want to feel like this anymore, stuck, lost, incapable to move on. 

Maybe he hasn’t moved on from Seokwoo like, 100%, but he made progress, right? Except the sleeping with him part, Chanhee was doing good, Chanhee is doing good and he surely doesn’t want to go back to crying and listening to Taylor Swift. 

So he gets up, finds his boxers and jeans and one of Seokwoo’s t-shirts (yes, he still wants one, the one Seokwoo wore the night before that still smells like him) and goes to the kitchen to have a cup of coffee before leaving. 

It’s too early and no one is up, so he’s sure he won’t get in trouble. He’s just making his way to the kitchen, while he notices someone sitting at the table. Someone who notices him as well before he can run back inside so fuck it. 

It’s a girl. She’s pretty, maybe a few years older than him. She looks tired and unhappy and has a cup of something that looks like tea in front of her. 

«Oh, hi. Were you someone else’s booty call?» she asks, speaking informally like Chanhee’s one of her friends. 

He really doesn’t mind as long as she doesn’t tell Sanghyuk since she’s probably his girl, well, the one he had sex with the night before. 

«No, well, like ... uhm ... i just forgot something here and ended up sleeping in my friend’s room. We’re from the same group.» says Chanhee, hoping that she won’t ask anymore questions. 

She chuckles and Chanhee feels uneasy, since it looks like she knows, somehow. 

«Your friend must be a vampire or something.» she says and Chanhee grabs his phone, switching to his front camera to notice two purple bruises on his neck. 

Fuck Seokwoo. Fuck him and his “i promise you won’t have any marks” it looked like Chanhee hang with Edward Cullen and served him as a snack. They were so big and obvious he can’t even lie about it, those are hickeys. Fuck Seokwoo, fuck, fuck, fuck. 

«I ... fell...» on his dick, well, it was the opposite but still ... 

«I won’t tell, don’t worry.» she says, smiling at him. 

Chanhee doesn’t trust her and it’s probably obvious from his frown so she speaks again. 

«Really. Not even to Sanghyuk. I don’t think he will call me back, though. I don’t think he likes me.» 

She looks sad. 

«Does he like you? The one you slept with.» 

Why does she even care? 

«No. I don’t like him either. And I didn’t sleep with anyone.» 

Well, fake it until you make it, right? 

«It’s just ... I thought he could be the one. Like, The One. But yesterday it was like his mind were somewhere else. It’s silly because we just talked on that dating app and it was obvious we’d end having sex and nothing else but I think I liked him. I still do. It’s silly because we got along so well that I thought he may be the one. I always think that when I like someone, maybe that’s the problem ...» 

Chanhee feels sorry for the girl. Sanghyuk isn’t a playboy and is really kind to the girls he dates but he just never commits. He’d rather stay with Inseong and play Mario Kart, that’s what he said once. 

He feels sorry for himself too. Because now he asks himself if Seokwoo could have been the one. Can be, maybe. 

And he can’t dove himself a reply, even if he knows what not being able to forget him at all means. Even if he knows that he‘d say yes to him a million times, yesterday night will repeat itself over and over, because it’s Seokwoo and a part of Chanhee will always belong to him, because for Seokwoo he’d ruin himself a billion times over. 

But thank God Chanhee has a brain and can make it work and forget those silly thoughts. Even if Seokwoo is the one indeed he can always say to God “no, thanks” and return him in order to have a peaceful life. 

And Seokwoo isn’t a piace of cake even when he is in a good mood. He’s childish and obsessed with his looks and about what the public thinks of him, in private he’s clingy and annoying and complains about everything and everyone. 

Chanhee deserves better. 

So he makes his coffee, saying strategicals “mmmh mmmh” to Sanghyuk’s girl that keeps venting, and runs away from the apartment as fast as he can. 

He ignored Seokwoo for weeks. It was easy, Seokwoo was at the hospital or working and he was busy with schedules, so they didn’t exactly had the chance to see each other without their managers. 

Their only interaction was Seokwoo’s grin in the make up room for almost a week, when the make up artists had to cover the monstrous hickeys he gave to Chanhee - he had to lie to his manager and tried everything to make him believe that no, those weren’t love bites he just tried to choke himself to death and he almost wished it was true, better than having slept with Seokwoo again - and that was even too much. 

So, Chanhee is almost happy. Seokwoo is far from him, he didn’t make any more mistakes like having sex with him again, Youngkyun was friendzoned again and complained to him and Jaeyoon for one night straight - Taeyang was at his parent’s so he was safe - and everything is back to normal. 

Almost like it didn’t happen. 

Chanhee still isn’t off guard. He knows Seokwoo, he plays innocent but he’s not an idiot - though he acts like one, seeing him talking to fans is almost painful to Chanhee - so Chanhee knows that, if Seokwoo wants him, he will try to have him again, since, well, he won first round. 

But it’s the only round Chanhee wants to give him. 

It happens on a Monday. 

Chanhee is packing his things to go home, he just finished his gym hours and can’t wait to eat dinner and watch a movie alone since Youngkyun and Taeyang are out eating together and he doesn’t really like being alone with the two of them. It’s like third wheeling sometimes. 

When Juho enters in the gym he doesn’t really mind: maybe he’s here to work out even though he usually goes to a different gym with his friends. But Juho goes straight to Chanhee and gives him something. 

A script. 

«Can you please drop that at Seokwoo’s? He forgot it here and he left with his manager hours ago.» 

Of course Seokwoo would use Juho. 

Poor Juho, Seokwoo and him were best friends since forever, and he always thrives for his happiness. Juho is one of the few people Seokwoo doesn’t speak ill about - well, sometimes he complained to Chanhee about him being a het and therefore boring but well it isn’t like it’s Juho’s fault he’s straight - but he’s also the one Seokwoo uses the most for his evil purposes. Juho is happy to help, tho, even if it means paying for something dumb and useless that Seokwoo wants or helping him (and Chanhee) having some private time at his own studio. 

Of course, Seokwoo loves Juho too. It’s just Juho isn’t that complicated and spoiled: he likes simple things, his music, his cats, his wife - Juho got married at 20 to his high school girlfriend and they are very happy and they are currently trying to have a baby which is horrific for someone like Chanhee but he really wishes them well - and the worst thing that happens to him is that occasionally he gets sad. Seokwoo usually goes out of his way to cheer him up, and Chanhee loved him for that. 

Still, he doesn’t love him now and surely won’t fall into his dumb trap. 

«No. Go give it to him. You live with him.» 

«I don’t anymore. And Jisoo is waiting for me at home. Her parents are coming over for dinner and I have to be there on time.» replies Juho, and he doesn’t lie. 

Seokwoo was smarter than Chanhee thought. He knows that Juho can’t be late if his in laws are coming home - Jisoo’s dad thinks he’s not the best candidate for a husband being an idol in his opinion, he doesn’t have enough time for his girl - so Chanhee can’t say anything but yes. 

«Can’t you ask someone else? Or maybe we can leave the script here. Seokwoo will take it tomorrow.» he tries, even though he knows Seokwoo: he is screwed. Right now only metaphorically. 

«He need it tonight, tomorrow it’s a shooting day for him. Please. My in-laws already think that I am a bad husband.» Juho begs. 

«Do you know that he’s doing it just to get laid, right? That he will try to get in my pants again?» 

Of course Juho knows. He is the only person Seokwoo is out to, and he knows everything. The probably knows about them having sex again since Seokwoo tells him everything. 

«He wants you back, you know. He’s serious about that. If you can just ...» tries to tell him Juho. 

«No. I don’t know what lies he told you, that fucker just misses having someone to sleep with. He probably just doesn’t want to ruin his perfect boy image going around hitting on pretty boys.» cuts him off Chanhee and tries to leave. 

Of course Juho stops him. 

There’s something about Chanhee that makes him believe in total lies, sometimes, when he wants them to be true. Juho doesn’t lie but Seokwoo does, and he can’t really use his words as something reliable. He can’t really trust the man he gave his heart to that gave it back with a bullshit explanation. 

Still, Juho’s words make him turn back. 

«He’s sorry. He misses you, for real. It’s not about sex, it never was and you know that. He’s not as strong as you are even if he pretends to and having a relationship when you’re doing a job like ours is hard. I’m having an hard time and I am straight. He’s trying. At least hear him out. He’s in love with you.» 

Seokwoo isn’t in love with Chanhee and he knows. It’s some narrative Juho made up in his head, maybe mixed with Seokwoo’s telling him that he missed Chanhee and he was sorry they broke up. 

Still, Chanhee turns back, grabs the script without looking in Juho’s eyes.

He wants to believe that. He wants to believe for at least a second that Seokwoo is in love with him, because he loved him so much a long time ago. It was almost painful, loving him this much, and it wasn’t like in the books or in the movies. 

Seokwoo was his worst self with Chanhee, he was childish, complained a lot and always wanted attention. But Chanhee loved it. He loved it when Seokwoo complained about every single person on his drama, because then he had to kiss his frown away from his face. He loved it when they had to search a stupid plushie that Seokwoo wanted everywhere in the city, because at night that thing was tossed away and Seokwoo told him that he was the only thing he wanted to hug while sleeping.

Chanhee missed that. He even missed having to be the big spoon to an impossible tall man like him. He liked it, when Seokwoo made himself small in his arms, curling on his chest and telling him “this is my favorite place in the universe”. 

Still, it was a great love. Chanhee knows because he can’t shake it off completely even after all this time, and maybe Seokwoo is the one, even though they won’t end up together and he’s just delusional, going to his house again hoping for ... he doesn’t know. For him to make it right. 

But the greatest loves of all time aren’t all over now? 

By the time Chanhee made it to Seokwoo’s dorm he’s already regretting his decision. He’s thinking about dropping the script in the living room and never come back.

Seokwoo doesn’t love him and he has to accept it and move forward. No more delusional hopes. He’ll just leave the script somewhere and leave, as he should. 

He opens the door, but as usual, luck isn’t in his side. 

Seokwoo is in the living room, wearing his apron and looking very busy scanning their food storage there. 

Chanhee prays that he couldn’t hear him but of course he does, Seokwoo can be totally deaf sometimes - expecially when Chanhee says he doesn’t want to go back together with him - but when he wants he has an hearing ability as fine as a cat. 

He sees him and he smiles. 

«You came. Thank you.» 

It sounds genuine but the fucker is an actor so Chanhee can’t trust him. Maybe he had improved so much that you can’t seriously tell when he acts. 

«I did this for Juho. How much did you bother him to make him part of your stupid plan?» 

Seokwoo smiles again and fuck, looks real. Looks warm, like when he smiled at Chanhee seeing him first thing in the morning, still Chanhee can’t completely trust him. 

«A bit. But he cares about me, so he ended up giving up and helping me.» 

«You know that I won’t sleep with you again?» asks Chanhee. 

Seokwoo grins. 

«I don’t wanna sleep with you. Well, I’d very much like to, you can’t deny, the other time was amazing, objectively speaking. Even if I wasn’t exactly sexually active since we broke up ... actually I thought I was going back to being a virgin since it had been so long ... whatever, it was very good sex. But I have something else on my mind now.» 

Chanhee can’t help but feeling relieved since Seokwoo hasn’t slept with anyone else since then. It’s probably because he is closeted and so afraid you make a move on the wrong guy, but still, he had been only his for all this time. What a silly thought but he can’t help that. 

Thankfully his brain goes back to functioning and realises that Seokwoo had indeed a plan and he should be scared. He can handle a one night stand but he’s not sure about whatever Seokwoo has in mind. 

He looks at him balancing his options: he can always run away, he’s next to the door and Seokwoo doesn’t run that fast and (maybe) is not menta enough to chase after him in a pink apron. 

«I want to make dinner.» explains Seokwoo, smiling like he’s an angelic being and not the devil himself disguised in an impossibly tall man. 

«Okay. I’ll leave you to it. Bye.» 

Chanhee decides to ignore the part of him that is very upset he won’t get laid tonight. It’s stupid since it hasn’t been that long and he can actually go to the club after and find someone else that isn’t his narcissistic ex boyfriend to sleep with, but whatever. 

«Stay. I’ll cook for you.» 

«No. Bye.» 

Chanhee almost opens the door but Seokwoo grabs his wrist. 

«Chanhee, please. I just wanna talk. I miss you. And it’s not about sleeping together it’s about you. Just hear me out.» 

Seokwoo looks almost sincere. 

«No. Because I’ll end up trusting you again and then you’ll do everything you want to me like you always do and then you’ll realise that you can’t be a top star with a gay boyfriend that’s too risky and again you’ll leave me. Do yourself a favour and find yourself a pretty girl.» 

It was below the belt. Seokwoo had a girlfriend before Chanhee, and tried with his heart and soul to make it work. But he just couldn’t, with girls. 

He told Chanhee once, a bit after they started dating. He told him how much he hated everything about having a girlfriend, how it felt like being in a cage all the time, how horrible it felt to act like the perfect boyfriend because you have to be in a certain way with girls and he just wasn’t. 

Chanhee can’t help but remember the other part: Seokwoo telling him that with him it was like the opposite, he could be carefree, he could be his worst self and Chanhee would put up with it. And then the talk became intertwined with kisses, because Seokwoo was telling him how much he loved his body, the body of a man, and Chanhee shivered in his arms. 

He shivers even now, but he doesn’t want to give up. He has a sanity to maintain and a little bit of dignity - most of it just disappeared when he kissed Seokwoo the other night - so no thanks, no more memories. 

He looks at Seokwoo, that looked sad for a second but now is in full force, bright smile on his face. 

«I don’t want that. I want you. I’d give up my career this second. Do you want me to do it? I can open the fancafe and write that I’m gay if you like it. Do you want me to end my acting career? I’ll give up this project right now. I don’t care about anything. My family? Screw them. My friends? My fans? Screw them either. I don’t care. I don’t need the world to love me, or anyone, but you. I need you. Please.» 

That was touching. Chanhee almost fell for it. Seokwoo had his phone in his hand, like he was really ready to do it. But it was too rhetoric, too staged to be true. And Seokwoo would die in three days without being praised by everyone. He needed constant validation. 

«No. I’m sure you’ll make another person very happy but not me. Bye.» 

Chanhee opened the door, ready to go to his dorm, but he sees few girls climbing on the stairs and got immediately back inside. 

«You didn’t.» he says, looking at Seokwoo with pure rage in his eyes. 

«What?»

«You KNOW, fucker! Those crazy bitches! Don’t tell me it’s just a coincidence that those stalkers are there! Are you out of your mind?» 

Chanhee knew those girls by heart. They were some stalkerish fans of him and the other guys, they often followed them around and one, the one Chanhee hated with a passion he reserved just for people he had beef with like his ex boyfriend - not Seokwoo, Seokwoo was a completely different story - once grabbed his arm and he hates being touched by people he doesn’t know. 

«I might accidentally unlocked the building’s door ... don’t worry, I called the others and security already.» 

Chanhee hears something that really sounds like someone trying to break in. 

«Are you listening to it? What if they make it in here? What’s your plan? Idiot! If they touch me again I swear to god I’ll chop your head off. Not like you have a brain there anyway.» hisses at Seokwoo, that looks very calm for someone that has sasaengs at his door. 

«Relax. They’ll be sent away soon. But the managers say it’s better for us to stay inside, the others will sleep at the company for extra safety. So, apparently, you’re stuck with me.» 

«So you literally risked your own safety and my safety for what? Being with me all night? Idiot! Fucking idiot! If you’re hoping that I will sleep with you tonight well, NOPE! Never! Hell will freeze before I’ll ever let you touch me again!» 

The stalkers went away pretty quickly. Their managers texted them the area was clear but it was better to stay inside - Chanhee never wanted to fire his own manager this bad but it would be too stressful find another one - so he had dinner with Seokwoo. 

Seokwoo may be a selfish prick, but he sure can cook. Chanhee missed his dishes and, even though he had to put up his best annoyed expression, was actually really happy to taste them again. 

After that, while Seokwoo was washing the dishes, Chanhee took a shower and stole one of Seokwoo’s shirts as a pyjamas, and went back to the kitchen just to announce that he’s going to sleep in Juho’s bed - Juho doesn’t live there anymore except from when he’s too tired to go home so it’s pretty clean compared to the mess of Inseong’s and Sanghyuk’s rooms - but Seokwoo was watching an anime. 

Chanhee couldn’t help but notice that was Ride Your Wave, a movie he always wanted to go see but had never actually had time to do it. When Seokwoo invited him to join him, he said yes, also saying that if Seokwoo would have come even just near him, he’d punch him in the face. 

It worked for half of the movie, but as the plot progressed Chanhee couldn’t help but think “what if it’s Seokwoo?”. The girl in the movie lost her lover and he couldn’t help but thinking about a world without Seokwoo. He made something hurt in his chest and he didn’t know why he got closer and closer to him. 

Seokwoo tried to hold his hand. Chanhee moved his. 

In the movie, the ghost lover was bugged that he couldn’t hold his girlfriend’s hand. 

Seokwoo tried to grab his hand again. Chanhee let him. 

And things escalated quickly because Chanhee doesn’t cry for real life stuff but he’d alway been weak for fiction stories. And also, he couldn’t really think about a world where Seokwoo is not annoying him. A world where he doesn’t make him wanna punch him at leat three times a day, a world where Chanhee can’t touch or smell him. A world where nothing really matters because Chanhee knows how’s life without Seokwoo and it’s a total and complete waste of his time. Days go by all the same, all the same shade of grey, without him. 

With him, it’s caos, and he drives Chanhee crazy, but it’s life in full color. Just a smile from him and Chanhee’s day it’s turned around. Maybe not for the better but still, it’s not grey anymore. 

So now Seokwoo is in his arms, Chanhee trying so hard not to cry for the movie, because thing escalated quickly. Seokwoo doesn’t cry but he holds onto Chanhee his hand firm on his arm. 

They almost never noticed the end. They got by surprise when the credits popped up on the screen. 

Chanhee knows that he has to leave before something happens, something that will have a completely different meaning to him than it has for Seokwoo. He just needs a few seconds more. 

«Just ... just promise you’ll be around for a long time. Even if you are annoying and selfish and obsessed with yourself.» he mutters, not even knowing it he’s speaking out loud. 

Seokwoo kisses him on the lips. 

«I promise, I’ll be around as long as you want me to.» 

Chanhee wants more. Wants to kiss him, to be all over him, because it’s never enough with Seokwoo. Wants to reply “forever” to him. 

But he can’t. He has to go. He gets up. 

«Sleep with me.» 

Chanhee glares at Seokwoo. 

«Just sleeping. Promise. Please. Or you already don’t want me around anymore?»

Seokwoo knows to well how to play his cards and just used Chanhee’s words against him. Typical. 

«I swear I’ll strangle you if you try to do something.» 

Chanhee works up still in his shirt. The pillow barrier he made between him and Seokwoo is still intact so miraculously they didn’t do anything. 

He remembers Seokwoo begging for a goodnight kiss but Chanhee was smart enough to tell him to go fuck himself so, again, miraculously, he won. 

He’s still pure and untouched. 

Having won over Seokwoo puts him in such a good mood that he sat on the bed, stretching himself all happy, almost wanting to sing something. 

He did it. 

Well, they actually kissed the night before but it was just a kiss Seokwoo initiated and Chanhee didn’t do anything he will regret lager like the previous time. 

Life is good. 

«You look pretty satisfied for someone who just slept with one of the most handsome men in Korea, and by sleeping I mean literal, just sleeping.» 

Seokwoo’s voice ruins everything, of course. 

«I’d rather sleep with Lee Jongsuk. He’s way prettier than you and I’m sure he doesn’t have an ego as big as yours.» 

«Surely his dick isn’t as ...» starts Seokwoo. 

«Can you please shut up. Now, I have a free morning so I’m off to starbucks and then sleeping in my own bed far away from crazy people who called SASAENGS just to try getting in my pants.» replies Chanhee before Seokwoo finished the sentence. 

«It may be a little crazy but it worked. Not the getting in your pants part, but you’ve been there with me. I wanted that.» says Seokwoo, sitting on the bed and looking at Chanhee right in the eyes. 

«You are crazy.» mutters Chanhee trying to avoid his glare. 

«You deserve someone that does crazy things for you.» 

«I deserve better.» 

«You are right.» 

What. chanhee can’t believe his ears. Seokwoo actually said something intelligent? Seokwoo actually said that he wasn’t the best catch in the world? 

«You deserve someone better because you, you are passionate to a nauseating degree. You always put me first, you always put everyone you love first, even if they are stupid and selfish pricks, like me, because when you love someone you put you whole heart and soul in it. And you deserve someone worthy of that grace. Someone who knows that you cried for every sad movie you watched, even though you would never admit it. Someone who actually appreciates your impossibly slow way to do anything that’s not dancing. but more importantly, Chanhee, you deserve someone who loves deeply as much as you. Because well, you’re special and i’m ... i’m not worth it.» 

«You are probably right.» says Chanhee because it’s the only thing that can come up to his mind now. 

Chanhee is sure he’s so gonna regrets this, because he isn’t thinking right now, but he tosses away the pillows and finally - yes, finally, his brain is so sure about this word because every second he’s not kissing Seokwoo is a waste - kisses him. 

It takes a second for Seokwoo to kiss him back, like he’s surprised, like he hasn’t thought about that happening at all, but Chanhee almost doesn’t notices. 

He just kisses him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the things seokwoo said are actually half copied by the things lucifer says to chloe in lucifer (2x11) since it was that that inspired this fic + “the greatest loves of all time are all over now” it’s a line from the 1 by taylor swift


	3. 0.3

Chanhee needs to catch his breath. He lays down on the bed, barely aware of the pillow under his head, trying to calm his heart. 

Seokwoo curls on his chest, groaning satisfied, looks at him with a playful smirk. 

«So ... hell is freezing now? » he begins, smiling widely to Chanhee, his head still resting on Chanhee’s chest. 

So, Chanhee is an idiot. A big, dumb idiot since he let that happen again. And it wasn’t even Seokwoo who started it - well, it kinda was since he did all this talking about “you deserve someone better” but it was Chanhee that kissed him - he just played along with it. 

Chanhee tries not to think about how this time was different from the other time, the other time being just ... sex? Well, not that they were busy crocheting before but it was ... different. 

Chanhee doesn’t like to have romantic expectations on Seokwoo because Seokwoo is not like, a very romantic person. Well, he is, he is very thoughtful with gifts and romantic places to go (even if they had a proper date maybe twice in their relationship because they were both crazy busy) but fucks everything up with his “career first” kinda talking. And probably his attitude but Chanhee likes his attitude, he likes when Seokwoo finally sits all sprawled and starts complaining about everything, so it isn’t really a turn off for romance to him. 

Seokwoo dumping him, that is surely a turn off. 

Still, he said that he’s changed. He said a lot of things and they probably aren’t true and he just wanted to get laid and Chanhee fell for it like an idiot, like he doesn’t know that at the first occasion Seokwoo will leave him again. 

Still, it was never like how it was just few seconds ago, between them. Even their kisses were never soft or slow, they always kissed in a hurry, the few times they did more - because they didn’t get a lot of privacy still sharing a room with the guys and it was a miracle having twenty minutes all alone - it was all rushed. Not that Chanhee complained, it was more practical and he wanted Seokwoo so much that he didn’t want to waste any second, but still, this time was totally different. 

They both took their time with each other, they kissed slowly, Seokwoo cupping his face and gently putting his lips on his again after Chanhee kissed him first. 

It was so delicate, especially for them, especially for Chanhee that isn’t really the kind of guy that takes his time with his partner. Of course he likes sex but the foreplay usually is just boring to him, if it isn’t with Seokwoo. 

With Seokwo it’s different. It’s like - Chanhee really wants to choke himself for that but well his brain is completely gone - everything with Seokwoo is just extraordinary, just because it’s him. His mole on his chin, the one he got on his shoulder, the scar on his leg from when he played football in middle school. Everything about him, about his body, from the softness of his lips to the mess of his hair, is worth hours and hours of wonder. 

It felt reciprocated, too, that’s what is worst. Chanhee was gently caressed and kissed, praised, and he felt stupidly loved, even if it isn’t true. 

Chanhee hates himself for thinking that but well, it felt like making love. And it was his first time, like many he gave to Seokwoo. 

And he is a dumb idiot to even think that is reciprocated.

So congrats, Kang Chanhee dumb idiot of the year. 

«So nothing. This is not going to ...» he tries to speak but Seokwoo silenced him with a soft kiss on his lips. 

«Cut the bullshit. It will happen again and you know that because you like me too much. And I like you too. So can’t we just enjoy ourselves now and like, cuddle? I never got cuddles after sex, you are mean.»

«Because we never got the time, and you got plenty of cuddles kinda everywhere you are so clingy and annoying.» 

Still, Chanhee holds him tight and pets his messy and sweaty hair trying not to enjoy it too much. 

«You are the best, baby.» says Seokwoo, almost purring. 

«Don’t call me that. I have a name.» 

Chanhee hates him so much.

«You are always so bitchy ... then you call me baby instead.» 

Seokwoo looks at him with his best angelic face. 

«No.»

Seokwoo frowns. 

«You are such a fuckboy, you sleep with me and you don’t want to cuddle after, you don’t want to call me baby ...» 

«I’m cuddling you even though you left me because you are a selfish and self obsessed prick. Be grateful.» 

«But I want you back. I’m tired of this, Chanhee. I want you. I’m so sick of not being with you. Please.» 

Seokwoo kisses his neck, his breath warm against Chanhee’s skin. 

«Nothing makes sense without you.» 

Seokwoo kisses his skin again. 

Chanhee almost wants to give in. The fact is, he’s Seokwoo’s. He had been ever since they first met and he started to think that Seokwoo was so pretty in a not much straight way, he is and he forever will be. He just can’t shake it off completely, he can maybe forget about it for some time but in the end he’s his. He could try to run away as many times as he wants but in the end it will always be Seokwoo, if he likes it or not. 

He doesn’t like it, though. 

«You’ll change your mind.» 

Seokwoo bites him and it almost hurts. 

«Hey! Are you crazy?» jumps Chanhee, sitting on the bed and looking at him angrily. 

«Are you crazy, Chanhee? Do you think I’ll ever, just once, changed my mind about you? I thought I had to give up on you but well, turns out I have to give up my life since nothing makes sense without you. Do you think I’m joking? Do you think I’ll make all of this just to get laid? I won’t! I won’t change my mind, whatever you think. I was an idiot to give up on you? Yes. But there’s been no second ever since that I didn’t regret doing it. I can’t live without you, you dumb fucker. Just accept that I am in love with you and deal with it for fuck’s sake!» 

Seokwoo almost screams and Chanhee hopes that no one is back or otherwise they’ll have a very long explanation to make. 

But Seokwoo said it. “I’m in love with you”. 

It’s the first time Chanhee hears that from him. He heard it from his ex but well, it wasn’t like this. Nothing was ever like Seokwoo. 

And Seokwoo loved him. 

«Say it again.» he says, shifting his body to be closer to Seokwoo. 

«What? I’m in love with y...» 

Chanhee can’t help himself and kisses him deeply, throwing his arms around him. 

Seokwoo kisses him back until he needs to breathe. 

«I love you.» Seokwoo kisses him «I love you so much» Another kiss «I’m so in love with you» another one. 

Chanhee trembles. He wants to believe this. He need to believe this because he has always told himself that people can’t lie about being in love. 

He can’t. 

He’s a pretty good liar, he lies everyday - it’s a part of being a idol, sort of, expecially if you aren’t straight - but not about this. Not about love. Love has always been sacred for him, like certain things he helds dear only for “the one”, silly ideas he can’t get out of his mind, songs, moments he has still to experience and he wants to but only with him. 

Only with Seokwoo, of course, because he’s the one and he knows. He had be knowing since he spotted him at the company, taking with Juho and drinking water on their break, but now he’s just so sure. 

He doesn’t want love if it’s not Seokwoo. 

And Seokwoo is in love with him. 

He kisses Seokwoo almost desperately, holding onto him, almost crushing his own chest onto his. Seokwoo gives back gently. 

«If you’re lying ... I’ll kill you, Seokwoo. I swear to God you won’t ever have peace again if you’re lying. Not about this, okay?» he says, looking in Seokwoo’s eyes, looking for a sign of dishonesty, at least hesitation. 

He can’t find any, and Seokwoo stares right at him without even blinking. 

«I’m not lying and I don’t even want peace. Do you know that? Since I met you I never had even a second of peace. I thought that breaking up with you would fix that ... but it’s only worse. I like it, no peace. Screw peace. You drive me insane and I love that. I love you. I don’t want peace I don’t want to live the same boring day every day all over again where nothing makes sense because I don’t have you. I love you.»

Chanhee needs to believe this. It’s tiring, you know, never trusting anyone. He never did, since he started working in the industry. His deepest secrets - not to mention his sexual orientation, even though he considered himself bi and not gay and nobody really knows, just Seokwoo because he used to tell him everything - are just weapons hold against him if he shares them. 

He never trusts people, not friends, not family, not even Juho, and he knows about pretty much everything, thanks to Seokwoo. He trusted Seokwoo once and ended up broken-hearted. So he told himself “never again”. 

But Seokwoo said he loves him. 

And love changes everything, especially when you are only twenty and need so desperately someone that loves you. You desperately need him to love you. 

And Chanhee is so tired of being strong and doubting everything.

He somehow always knew that they were doomed. No gay relationship between idols has a future, not even an heterosexual one is that easy. 

But they are together now. They are in each other’s arms, kissing and touching and caressing one another like the world isn’t ready to ruin everything 

To ruin them both. 

Chanhee never minded though. He’d work at McDonald’s the rest of his days if it means being with Seokwoo. But Seokwoo minded a lot, because the has an image to maintain and he cares so much about other people. 

He cared. 

Now he say he doesn’t but Chanhee knows that saying something is different from actually doing it.

But he’s so tired and he needs him, almost desperately. 

Not desperately enough to not put conditions, though. 

«I want a free trial. A month. In this month you have to convince me you are changed and you won’t run away anymore.» 

He had never seen Seokwoo smile as bis as he’s smiling now. 

«Yes. Yes, baby, yes, anything you want. You want me to come out? I will. I mean I will have to do why not now. At least I’ll be fired from that dumb het show it’s making me heterophobic.» 

Chanhee wants that. He wants to come out too, screw everything and run away and kiss Seokwoo on the streets like they are two normal humans, but that isn’t the smartest decision, and most importantly, it doesn’t concern only the two of them. There are other people in their group as long as their managers and all the staff who works with them. 

Maybe, one day, people in the industry will be free to date whoever they want, but not now. 

«Maybe not to everyone. But you can tell the guys if you like it.» says carefully Chanhee. 

He planned to tell them for a while, especially when he got with his ex boyfriend. Sneaking him in was a pain in the ass and totally not worth it. Plus, everyone is pro lgbt, they discussed the topic a few times and they all agreed on that. 

They even watched a lesbian movie once and the only bad comment was Youngkyun’s that said he didn’t like naked women and they looked scary. And the idiot is still asking himself why he’s a virgin. 

«Okay, I’ll do it tonight. I have the day off anyway.» says Seokwoo smiling and sitting on Chanhee’s lap, looking at him playfully. 

«Weren’t you supposed to film?» 

«I called in sick. I told them I had a terrible, terrible back pain. They told me to rest.» 

Typical Seokwoo, playing the victim just to get what he wants. 

«Liar.» says Chanhee, even if he’s somehow happy to spend his free morning with him. 

«It’s not a lie. It’s just ... a manipulation of facts. I am in pain it’s just not my back that’s hurting and you know that since it’s your fault baby boy.» 

Seokwoo looks at him, almost angelic, and then he kissed him, hugging him tightly. 

«You are so gross.» whispers Chanhee against his lips but Seokwoo just smiles. 

«You love it.» 

It’s true, Chanhee loves it. He loves everything about him, even when he’s being a dick. It’s just ... Seokwoo. He’s perfect. Not the one he shows to the media, polite and kind Seokwoo, the real one, the one who says dumb shit all the time and wants to be called baby and is bratty and spoiled and everything he’s not in front of a camera. That is perfect Seokwoo. And Chanhee loves him so much that it hurts. 

«Maybe.» he says, though, kissing Seokwoo again and bringing him closer to him, so they are chest to chest and he can almost feel his heart beating. 

Seokwoo is impossibly tall and it’s almost comical how he has to bend in order to kiss him since he’s sitting on his lap but Chanhee loves it and he knows Seokwoo does too. He likes to feel small, cared for, cuddled and spoiled, and, not so secretly, Chanhee loves to give him everything he wants. 

But right now it’s him, it’s Chanhee, that wants. 

He grabs Seokwoo’s shoulders, kissing him more deeply, and everything is a mess, he bites Seokwoo’s lower lip and Seokwoo moans for him - he knows how much Chanhee loves it, when he’s loud -. 

«You really can’t get enough of me, baby boy.» says Seokwoo, smiling playfully and then almost grinning because he knows he’d won. 

He takes Chanhee’s hands from his shoulders, placing them on his hips. 

«You can have me as much as you like it. I’m yours.» he says and Chanhee completely loses it. 

He kisses Seokwoo again, not even caring about being gentle, he knows that isn’t the time for that and Seokwoo will understand, Seokwoo will love it because he sometimes likes rough kisses and bites. His hands slide down onto his ass and he can feel Seokwoo smiling in their kiss. 

And that’s exactly when Sanghyuk opens the door. 

There are certain situations you can escape from. Like, you don’t have your homework done at school, you can tell the teacher you’d been too busy with your acting career even if the previous day you ate ice cream all day and watched cartoons. And there are other kind of situations you can’t escape no matter how hard you try. 

Kissing your bandmate, in his bed, while grabbing his ass, you two both naked, that’s the kind of situation you can’t escape from or make excuses for. 

Chanhee almost throws himself off the bed, trying to at least cover something with bed sheets, but Seokwoo looks rather chill, almost offended that Chanhee stopped hugging him and went on the opposite side of the bed. 

«What. Is this a joke? A prank?» asks Sanghyuk, looking rather shocked. 

Chanhee wishes it was. That would be easier, saying Sanghyuk it was all a joke, but now he wants to see how Seokwoo will react. The same Seokwoo that promised to come out that night. 

«This is ... was, tragically, two men making out. And you interrupted it. And, for your interest, I’m very pissed at you. I was about to finally get some dick and you ruined everything.» says Seokwoo. 

It looks almost comical since Seokwoo, the Seokwoo everybody knows, never says such things. Chanhee is used to it now, but it was strange at the beginning seeing how the real Seokwoo was different from the one he showed while working, from “Rowoon”. It was, it is, pleasing though, knowing that Seokwoo was like this only with the people he trusted. 

«What? Are you high or something? What? Are you two gay? Seokwoo are you okay?» 

Poor Sanghyuk he looks rather lost. 

«I’m not high. I’m okay. And I’m gay that’s why I looked so happy making out with a man. And I’d like to continue if you, like, give us privacy.» 

Chanhee isn’t so eager to “continue” as Seokwoo said. Especially with Sanghyuk in the house listening to everything - and Seokwoo is really loud sometimes and Chanhee himself isn’t that quiet if he’s very into it -. 

«What Seokwoo meant, is that we are gay, yes, and we were ...»

«Are you two dating? Oh my god. How did you ... like, aren’t you afraid you’ll break up and still have to see each other faces everyday ...? How did you get together? How did you know you were both gay? Like there’s something ...» rambles Sanghyuk and it will be comical if it isn’t a real life situation. 

«Yes, we are. Boyfriends.» 

Seokwoo’s words hit Chanhee so hard he can’t even reply that Seokwoo is just on trial period. 

Years ago, Seokwoo said to him the exact same words. They were going out of a club, in a city Chanhee doesn’t even remeber - they were out for a drink together and ended up there - where they just made out for like an hour. 

Chanhee remembers precisely Seokwoo’s hands on him, they way they danced together, too close to be just friends, the tension that was so high that they could almost feel the static. 

He remembers the kiss. It happened suddenly, unexpected but desperately wanted, Seokwoo’s lips on his. Chanhee remembers how he grabbed him to show him that yes, he wanted that too. And they kissed there, between strangers, until the music stopped and realised what they’ve done. 

Chanhee remembers how he was ready to give Seokwoo the speech, like “we can pretend nothing happened” because that was wrong and they were coworkers and it could be the end of their careers and everything. He remembers how he tried to but he couldn’t get past the “we” because Seokwoo replied “yes, we are boyfriends.” 

Seokwoo explained to him later, in one of their rare intimate moments together, that he hadn’t planned anything, that he tried for months and months to deny that he was into Chanhee - or better, into boys - but then he kissed and it had been like an epiphany. And he couldn’t go back to how it was, he didn’t even want to. 

And neither Chanhee wanted to, after hearing the word “boyfriend” everything else seemed so useless. He didn’t care about being Chani from SF9 or Chani the actor or anything else. He just wanted to be Seokwoo’s boyfriend. 

He still wants to, even if Seokwoo doesn’t deserve it. He tries not to show it too much, because he knows that Seokwoo will be too pleased to know that Chanhee wants to be his so bad. Seokwoo’s so territorial and possessive - in the most healthy way though - that this will boost his ego too much and Chanhee doesn’t want that. He needs to suffer a bit more before. 

«Since how long ...? How?» asks Sanghyuk. 

«Hyuk, this conversation looks a bit long to have it while naked with my hot and also naked boyfriend. How about we put some clothes on and we talk about it in a second?» asks Seokwoo with a playful smirk at Chanhee. 

Chanhee covers his chest with the sheets. 

«Sure. But, like ... is being gay that awesome? Like you know, you can get in a lot of trouble from all of this.» 

«Sanghyuk. Trust me. This is totally worth it.» says Seokwoo. 

Seokwoo made tea. Well, chamomile tea for Sanghyuk and regular tea for himself and Chanhee, who is now asking himself how to drink it since Seokwoo is sprawled all over him on the couch. 

They needed to talk and Sanghyuk has a free morning as well, but they ended up Chanhee and Seokwoo on the couch - almost cuddling which is embarrassing since they never cuddled “boyfriends cuddles” in front of anyone, not even Juho, - and Sanghyuk on the floor in front of them, his tea on the table still untouched. 

«That’s ... very gay of you. Are you always like this? I mean, gays are always like this? So touchy?» asks Sanghyuk, since Seokwoo grabbed Chanhee’s arm and put it over his chest, so Chanhee is hugging him now, in a very weird way but still. 

«No, he just needs constant affection or he throws a tantrum. He’s like mentally five. And there’s no such things as “gays” who like the same things. The only thing gays have in common besides liking men is being oppressed by society.» says Chanhee. 

«And why? I mean how? How did you end up together? Weren’t you afraid to make a move? Or you came out to each other first? How did you know you liked each other?» 

It’s a lot of questions. The fact is, they almost naturally ended up together the first time: they had a weird tension between them for a while, then they kissed and they got together. And then Seokwoo ended everything. 

«I didn’t know I was gay. Well, it was pretty obvious since I don’t like girls but I thought maybe one day, one girl ... then I met Chanhee and started to get to know him and well, it was pretty obvious I liked him. I just realised that when we kissed though. He kissed me back so we became boyfriends.» 

«And then you broke up with me.» says Chanhee. 

Sanghyuk almost chokes on his tea. 

«What? You two broke up? And you spent all this time together without even blinking?» 

«I hid in my room if things were too heavy. Like, it’s not big deal, you get used to it.» 

It was half a lie though. Chanhee missed Seokwoo always, maybe not as desperately as he missed him the first few months but he had never stopped missing him. Or being in love with him. He lied to himself, saying he was over him, sleeping with other men and having a new boyfriend but nothing worked for real. 

«I just got sad and angry. I mean, it’s complicated, being an idol, being gay and in love with another man who is also an idol. I got terribly angry at the world and at me for being so weak and ruining the best thing life gave me. I mean, I can tell you that from my experience, work, money, fame, it’s all worth nothing at the end of the day, if you lose the person you wanted to share those things with.» 

Chanhee never liked to put himself in Seokwoo’s shoes. He knows for Seokwoo any of this is easy, he’s afraid of disappoint everyone and he cares so much about what others think of him. Chanhee is tougher than him, he’s been in the industry so long and he kinda stopped caring at a certain point. Also, he has a very different and strong personality. He knows how to be alone and he’s never afraid. 

Seokwoo is always afraid. 

He pretends not to, of course. But sometimes he opened up to Chanhee, saying how afraid he was to lose everything, to fight with his family and friends and the same time how desperately he wanted to run away from everything. 

Chanhee asks himself if that changed. Seokwoo said it is, that he doesn’t care anymore, but Chanhee knows him and he will always care. Maybe, just maybe, he changed his priorities, though. 

«And then you got back together?» asks Sanghyuk, sipping his chamomile tea. 

«Tonight. It has been so hard getting Chanhee back he can be a real ass sometimes.» 

«Well if maybe I wasn’t dumped for your “career” that consist in you being a boring het with equally boring girls on camera I’d be nicer.» replies Chanhee. 

«Can we please not talk about me playing the het it’s horrible, heterosexuality should be a sin. No offense, Hyuk. I have plenty of het friends.» 

Sanghyuk laughs and even Chanhee smiles. He missed Seokwoo cursing he show he is in for being “too heterosexual”. 

«You two are lucky. I mean, you’re lucky you have found each other and found your way back to each other. It’s so romantic.»

Chanhee never thought about it that way. Seokwoo was ... something, at the beginning, a curse, when he left him. He never thought he was lucky to have him, with everything being so fragile. 

But now he’s there, Seokwoo in his arms, talking to Sanghyuk, their little secret world slowly opening up, and everything becoming more real. 

Seokwoo, to be honest, isn’t a catch. He’s sure handsome but he’s needy and always complains and wants constant attention. He’s a real pain sometimes. 

But Chanhee loves it. He loves everything about him, his being selfish and self centered, his vanity, his fear of everything. He doesn’t even know how to drive properly. 

But Seokwoo is so much more: he’s kind, loving, funny, passionate, he’s so much that Chanhee can’t even describe it. Sometimes he’s also a living contradiction but he doesn’t care: Chanhee loves everything about him. 

So maybe he’s lucky that this impossible tall human, who stress baked seven cakes once, who spends ages in the bathroom because he doesn’t like his hair and makes horrible sex jokes when they are alone is in love with him. 

Or at least he pretends to.

«We’re planning to tell the others. Tonight.» says Seokwoo to Sanghyuk. 

Maybe he doesn’t pretend after all. 

Gathering all the nine of them isn’t that easy though. They couldn’t tell them the night they planned to because Taeyang had a schedule and then they got practice until too late and then it was Seokwoo who was busy shooting. 

Two weeks passed. Chanhee can’t even be angry at Seokwoo since he always asks if everyone is free, and well, he’s acting like a pretty decent boyfriend. 

They also met Chanhee’s ex with his new boyfriend/fuckbuddy whatever he was and it was nice having Seokwoo’s protective arm around his waist while his idiotic ex boyfriend looked at them in disbelief. It was even nicer making out with Seokwoo in the changing rooms while no one was there. Seokwoo can get a bit territorial and knowing that Chanhee had another man he called boyfriend drove him crazy enough to be that impulsive. 

Not that Chanhee complained. It was really hard to concentrate on group schedules now that him and Seokwoo got back together. He always had to control himself and not to stare at him for too long or give him too much attention. 

It’s hard for Seokwoo too, Chanhee thinks. Well, it seems like it since he drags him in every hidden spot in order to steal a kiss from him or more. Sometimes it’s Chanhee that can’t wait. 

They didn’t spend much time together, though. Schedules are heavy for the both of them and even though they have Sanghyuk on their side - he has been nothing but supportive, distracting Inseong or the other guys anytime and he let Chanhee sneak in Seokwoo’s room many many times - they rarely do more than a few kisses and a couple minutes talk before falling asleep. 

Chanhee still loves it, waking up with Seokwoo in his arms, or being woken by him leaving. He always gets a goodbye kiss. 

He’s starting getting used to it, too, even if he doesn’t want to, even if he knows he shouldn’t trust Seokwoo yet but he’s so in love with him and giving in sometimes seems the best option. 

Like, now, he’s about to. 

It’s finally time they’ll gather together, all nine of them. Seokwoo and him just went out to grab some pizza and chicken and some soju - “maybe they’ll need them” said Seokwoo while buying it - since Seokwoo  
is the only one who owns a car. 

It’s a BMW, of course, useless since he sucks at driving and Chanhee is absolutely sure he paid someone to get his license: he drives so slow that sometimes bikes or even just people walks past them, but at the same time he is unable not to run every single red light. Not to mention how they risked their life at every turnabout. 

On their way back, Chanhee drove. Seokwoo loved it. 

«I like that. Being the girl. And you look so hot driving.» 

Chanhee was cursing some pedestrian who dared to cross the street while he was passing - Chanhee is the exact opposite, he drives fast and hates to stop or going slow - so he couldn’t explain to Seokwoo that being the one that was cared for wasn’t “being the girl” and no one is the girl in a gay relationship.

He couldn’t even when they parked in the parking lot under their house, since Seokwoo, instead of getting off the car kissed him out of nowhere. 

They are making out since a while now, Chanhee now on the passenger seat and Seokwoo on top of him - it had been really complicated to get into that position and Chanhee wonders why they even bothered - kissing like their lives depend on it. 

Sure, it has been a while since they had privacy for more than 5 minutes and they weren’t too exhausted to do more than a chaste kiss on the lips, and Chanhee would be lying saying he’s not enjoying it, but they have to go. 

He doesn’t want Seokwoo to get away with the coming out thing and he’s afraid he’s just trying to avoid it after promising so many times he’ll do it. 

So when he feels Seokwoo’s hands under his clothes - and it feels so nice, Seokwoo’s big warm hands on him, it has been so long - he has to stop him. 

«Seokwoo. We have to go.» 

Seokwoo hides his face in the crook of Chanhee’s neck, not replying for a few seconds. 

«Can I just ... can you ... can you please let me sleep in your room tonight, no matter how it goes? Just sleep, I promise. I just ... it’s the first time I’m coming out for real ... like Juho always knew somehow, Sanghyuk caught us and ... it’s not easy. Do you think they’ll hate me?» 

Chanhee instinctively holds him tight. He knows Seokwoo cares too much about what other people think of him, that’s why he acts like he’s a sort of human Ken or whatever, but Chanhee himself can’t tell he isn’t afraid. 

He grew up with the guys. He’d be heartbroken if someone won’t accept them but he rationally knows that if someone doesn’t support him being bi or whatever he is, surely into boys, he was never a friend. 

Still, it will hurt. He’s positive that nothing will happen, the guys are all pro lgbt and he knows, but being pro lgbt and deal with two lgbt dudes in your group is quite a different thing. So he’s afraid too. 

But he doesn’t really care, not when it comes to Seokwoo. If someone will say anything bad to him Chanhee knows he’d make a scene right here, he’d protect Seokwoo with his life if it was necessary. He hates it a bit, being so in love with him he’d protect him from anything and everyone, but that’s how it is. 

«You can stay, as long as you want.» he says to Seokwoo, petting his hair the way he knows he likes the most. 

«Forever? We’ll just spend the rest of our lives in your bed.» 

Chanhee knows Seokwoo doesn’t mean that forever. The forever Chanhee wants from him, the one that means they’ll be together until they’ll be old and grey. He doesn’t know a different way to love someone, for Chanhee love means planning a future together. 

That’s why he always thought him and Seokwoo were doomed: there’s no future for two male idols dating especially if one of them is so comfortable in the closet. Still, he couldn’t help but love Seokwoo, he doesn’t really believe in fate or destiny but with him he had to surrender, he’s made for Seokwoo, he’s made to love him more than anything else. 

It was so scary, it still is, now maybe a bit less, because things, Seokwoo, are changing. At least, he hopes so. 

«I wish.» he replies. 

«I do, too. I’m so in love with you, Chanhee. I know the month trial is not over yet but just like ... pretend, for a while, that you can love me. Just ... hug me a lot and kiss me a lot and don’t leave me alone after we spoke to them okay? Promise? Please. I know I don’t deserve anything since I ruined this relationship once but please. Please.» 

Chanhee almost says he doesn’t have to pretend at all. 

«We wanted to say something to you. Me and Chanhee.» 

Seokwoo speaks while everyone is busy eating so it’s kinda funny seeing half of their colleagues trying to swallow a very big bite so they can reply to him. Chanhee munches his pizza slice nervously. 

«Sure, go ahead.» says Youngbin, grabbing a bottle of coke and pouring himself a glass of it. 

«I’m gay.» says Seokwoo.

Youngbin turns his head towards him, his eyes almost popping out of his head. The coke starts to overflow from his now too full glass. 

«You’re spilling the coke.» says Chanhee but Youngbin doesn’t move, it’s Sanghyuk that grabs the bottle from his hands and prevents the disaster. He knows so he doesn’t make a fuss. 

Juho, the only other one who knows everything and isn’t in shock right now, takes a few napkins and cleans the mess Youngbin made.

«Also, I’m in love with Chanhee. We, uhm, dated since last year but we broke up and now we are kinda back together. I’m very serious with this so I’m telling you guys.»

«What? Chanhee are you gay? Why didn’t you tell me!» says Youngkyun, looking at Chanhee in disbelief, «you always ... I mean you always speak about girls with me!» 

«Yes because it’s you doing the talk, and you only talk about the girls on your dating app.» replies Chanhee. 

«Well you could’ve talked to me about boys! About Seokwoo!» 

«Not everyone has the need to make his sex life public» replies Chanhee. 

«Or the lack of it» murmurs Jaeyoon and Youngkyun looks at him angrily. 

«Guys, I’m so happy for you! I mean it’s quite a shock, but as long you two are happy together I am happy. I’ll do everything to help and support you from now on» says Inseong and Sanghyuk smiles at him proudly and proceeds to rest his head on his shoulder. 

«Inseong ... I mean guys, I am sure happy as well you two found love but that is huge. Are you sure? And why didn’t you tell us when you first started dating? This can affect all of us.» says Youngbin, waking up from his shock. 

«Because it’s not so easy, coming out.» says Chanhee and Seokwoo looks at him grateful. 

«No one here is homophobic. We will all support you.» adds Taeyang. 

«I know. But the problem ... I was the problem. I didn’t really accept my sexuality. I am still struggling now. But I need to move forward if I want to move forward in my relationship with Chanhee.» 

«Are you two getting married? That’s so sweet!» says Jaeyoon. 

«I don’t think gay marriage is legal in Korea, tho.» replies Inseong. 

«I plan to one day, of course. And live together and everything.»

Chanhee almost choked on his own saliva. What? They never discussed anything about this and even though Seokwoo said they were boyfriends he thought it was more like “we have sex and we are exclusive”. The romantic part, the future part ... they never talked about it. Chanhee never even allowed himself to think about it too much since everything for Seokwoo can be just sex and when Seokwoo left him he thought that’s what it was: just sex. 

And now the absolute fucker talks about marriage like he had thought about this all time long. 

Chanhee wants to make him pay for this later. Or maybe kiss him until they’re both gasping for air, he’s not sure, whatever. 

«That’s sweet. But you have to be sure. The both of you. We’re helping you as much as we can but please don’t let everything go to waste just to get laid.» says Youngbin, looking carefully at the both of them. 

«I am. It was never about only getting laid. I had one night stands and a boyfriend when we broke up I can get sex pretty much anywhere. I am serious.» 

Seokwoo grabs Chanhee’s hand after his speech, squeezing it, and gives him a grateful look that makes him blush. 

«I am too. He’s the one.» says Seokwoo. 

This time it’s Chanhee that squeezes his hand tight. Please, don’t lie. Please. Because for me, you are the one for real. 

Seokwoo sleeps in his room. Well, at least that’s what Chanhee’s trying to do but Seokwoo has other plans. And not involving fun time naked - that time would be appreciated, Chanhee is exausted but whatever - tragically. 

It involves Seokwoo and his desperate need to talk and talk and talk and talk. He’s so talkative sometimes that people stop listening to his rambles and just say “yes whatever” at the end. 

Of course, not Chanhee, he wants to but he loves him and loving him also means listening to everything he has to say. And what is worse, is that Chanhee is doing that hugging Seokwoo like Seokwoo is a baby and not a four years older and almost 20 cm taller than him adult, just because Seokwoo likes it. 

«It went pretty well don’t you think, baby? I mean Youngbin is a pain in the ass but whatever he’s almost married and old and boring. What does he think? I mean, I won’t come out for a fuckbuddy. And I am not into that. I am very old fashioned when it comes to this.»

«You are just as incapable as Youngkyun when it comes to flirting, that’s it.» corrects him Chanhee, but caressing his head lovingly. 

«I had a girlfriend before you. Things between us were great. I mean, I loved her, not like love love since I like men but as a sister? Definitely. And she loved me. Well, she loved me when I was polite and quiet and ...» 

«Can you just admit that your relationship sucked? I admit it, my ex boyfriend was a charity case and I deeply regret even just holding his hand, he’s a dick.» replies Chanhee. 

Hearing this Seokwoo grips Chanhee’s arm and kisses him deeply and passionate, making Chanhee shiver in his embrace. He doesn’t want Seokwoo to know how he makes him feel though so when Seokwoo pulls away - biting his lower lip and Chanhee almost dies everytime Seokwoo does and dies even more when Seokwoo whispers to him “mine” and he wants to say “yes, please, yours, only yours” - he talks again. 

«Possessive, aren’t we? No need. I already did enough charity letting that idiot sleep with me. And I think he hates me since I tell everyone who knew about us I regret everything.» 

Seokwoo smiles and kisses him again. 

«Did you love him? Promise, I won’t get jealous. But you know, with all that serious talking we did before ...» 

«No. I think I fancied him but never loved him. He was too immature and I mistook enjoying his company for attraction. I never had deep feelings for him, neither he did for me since he wasn’t that nice with me and well, you aren’t an ass with the people you love. He was always late, I hated that.» 

And he wasn’t you, and I hated that even more, he wants to say, but he can’t, not now. 

«And I’ll be always early, promise. I’ll spoil you and call you baby and make you happy every single day. » 

«Cut it, I hate that baby thing.» says Chanhee, but he really doesn’t, in the end. It’s kinda cute. 

«No, you don’t. I’ll switch to “darling” when we’ll be married.» replies Seokwoo and kisses his lips again.

Chanhee blushes. 

«Aren’t you still on trial period? Who says I’m marrying you?» 

«I’m planning to annoy you so much that you’ll eventually say yes. I mean, I still got a few years. I want to marry before going to the military, I’ve already thought of everything. Then when our contract will be over we’ll come out. And then I’ll find a regular job, I don’t know, a waiter? Do you think it will suit me? Or a gardener? I like flowers. Or a mailman. I have a lot of options I have a file on my laptop. I think we can manage living with only my income if you want to stay at home and rest or go to university or whatever, I mean we got money and I think we can buy a pretty decent house and ...»

He thought of everything. So he is serious. Chanhee almost shivers, because it’s real, he’s here, talking about apartments and life together and a future, their future. 

Seokwoo thought about this all along. And Chanhee felt so stupid for being so diffident and doubtful, even if Seokwoo wasn’t the best before he is now. He loves him. He loves him, he came out to their friends for him, he planned a lifetime with him. 

That’s more than everything Chanhee had ever imagined. 

«Are you serious? I mean, why, planning all of this? You are still on trial period. What if I’ll say no to you?» 

«Chanhee, I never believed in fate until I met you. I tried so desperately to run away from you, I tried everything, to conceal my feelings to break your heart to try hitting on Jennie Kim that looked at me like I was a rat and never even replied to my invitation for a drink, but no matter how hard I tried, in the end it’s always you. You are my destiny, Kang Chanhee.» 

Chanhee almost feels like his chest is about to explode. Because it’s the same for him, it’s mutual and Seokwoo is here, in his arms, telling him he loves him and he’s destined to him and everything. And for the first time he wants to be able to express his feelings properly and not just with hugs or touches. He wants to let Seokwoo know everything, how much he means to him, how much he is in love with him, but he can’t, not because he doesn’t trust him but now because he can’t find anything that gets just even close to what he is feeling.

«The trial. I call if off.» he just says, and Seokwoo just stops smiling. But Chanhee hasn’t finished yet. 

«I am in live with you. I don’t need trial period anymore. But please, please, don’t break my heart.» 

Seokwoo kisses him on the lips, light as a feather, hands in his hair, gently caressing it. 

«Promise. I won’t make the same dumb mistake. You are too precious. I’m so in love with you, Chanhee.» 

Seokwoo kisses him again, and again, and again, so many times Chanhee loses count.

And everything is perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m kinda thinking about making a series out of this 3 chapters stories about one ship all in the same universe idk tell me what do you think and have a nice day!

**Author's Note:**

> so i was bored and i miss rochan


End file.
